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How to deal with racism in an intimate relationship

Relationships between people of different ethnic or racial backgrounds have . Research indicates that more adolescents and young adults are , and survey data from shows that an increasing number of people have a favorable view of these relationships.

Inter-ethnic relationships are often seen as an act of since people from different backgrounds overcome marginalization to create inter-ethnic families.

While these bonds can potentially against members of racialized groups, cross-cultural connections are also vulnerable to the far-reaching influence of racism.

Intimate racism

Racism is a system of domination and oppression that is deeply rooted in , where whiteness was idealized and every other ethnic group was dehumanized. Racialized people who are not white are also susceptible to endorsing this false hierarchy, leading to .

We use the term (inspired by the term intimate partner violence) to highlight that racism exists in close relationships, and that it requires special attention.

Intimate racism can take many forms, ranging from hostile insults and racial slurs to more subtle, pervasive everyday (for example, a parent stereotyping their child as less smart because of their racialized identity).

Intimate racism can also touch on prejudices against racialized people that are particular to physical and emotional intimacy, which show up differently in our familial and romantic relationships.

Racism in family

From childhood, we depend on our parents and family to support and guide us, helping us form secure attachments as well as stable and and with others as we grow and expand our social connections.

These days, multiracial families are . However, parents of multiracial children , they may not be able to and they may , shaking the very foundations of the family bonds.

Mixed-race children have reported and isolation within their families, as well as having their racial identities denied and stereotyped by family members.

, one mixed-race research participant told researchers:

"Even though my skin was darker, I had straight hair, I had the white features and I behaved the way a white girl should behave, and so my grandmother always favored me and was much nicer to me and horrible to my sister."

In addition, transracial adoption has a long history of racialized children being forced into and in order to .

This legacy has endured, with many white adoptive families thinking they need to by erasing their backgrounds and cutting them off from their community.

Racialized adoptees in white families have shared that they experience and from the very people who are supposed to protect them. Such experiences expose them to racial isolation and violence.

Racism in romantic relationships

Our close relationships are supposed to be safe from racism; our meaningful connections with people who we know accept us, love us and see us for who we are can act as a .

So when we experience racism from our loved ones, it is a violation of the shared trust, safety and intimacy that we need from those who are supposed to be closest to us.

When it comes to romantic partners, our attractions can sometimes be colored by exposure to media and messages that or .

People in inter-ethnic romantic relationships have shared experiences where their partner sought them out to . Racialized people can also be stereotyped by their partners.

These stereotypes can also be echoed by family and friends, who may view an and .

In a study of intimate racism conducted by one of us (Maya A. Yampolsky) and colleagues, : "My former partner accused all Jamaican males of being cheaters and liars."

When people experience intimate racism, they also experience greater , and negative impacts on their well-being. The impact extends beyond individual hurt to the relationship dynamic, rupturing trust and affection for our loved ones, and leading to strained or even dissolved relationships.

Groups that are subject to more than one source of marginalization (because of race, gender, class, ability and so on) face multiple oppressions with intimate racism. Racialized women face , and queer racialized people often experience both and .

What can you do to address intimate racism?

There isn't enough research that looks at resolving intimate racism yet, but we can draw on findings from couples conflict, anti-racism repairs and social therapy for inspiration.

Interracial couples who are more likely to recognize racism at large, , which may help prevent intimate racism from showing up in these relationships.

We know that repairing harm from racism involves of our actions, and how they appear in our life, and .

can also provide tools to address racial tensions and change harmful relationship dynamics by encouraging open conversations about race, and allowing partners and families to explore how history has shaped their ways of loving, accepting or rejecting one another.

Ultimately, tackling intimate racism is part of our work to dismantle racism at the roots of all our social institutions so that racism doesn't creep into our cherished connections.